[22 Nov 2009|09:24pm] cameras and photographs and trips and collectibles and diners and memories make me so happy. today was full of all of these things, therefore i feel happy. time to buckel down and write all of my papers and do my projects. will have finished setting up my darkroom by the end of the week and things feel good today. but bringing up all of the memories that i love so much has caused me to remember that these people are no longer my friends. i don't see them on a daily basis anymore, let alone talk to them... well, pretty much ever. i miss everyone i used to be close with. i miss all the kids from my high school. i miss stupid people in my town, too. it's weird and it sucks because i will probably feel this way for the rest of my life. comment

[10 Nov 2009|05:05pm] there's a lot of emptiness inside my chest, i can physically feel it. my heart isn't as full as it used to be or something. i'm not talking in metaphors, i really mean it. i can feel it, smaller. it's nearly empty in there and my organs and muscles have felt useless for the past few days. when will i find what i'm looking for and become me again? comment

[08 Nov 2009|10:24am] i haven't posted in so long and i feel so terrible today that i need somewhere to throw up all of my word vomit. grammar and commas are out the door on this one, i don't care if they're incorrect. i feel fucking emotionally drained, exhausted, and miserable. i crashed my car on friday on new state rd. in philly and if that wasn't horrifying enough, now i have to deal with having no car until i can find a fucking new one that i have no money to pay for. i was supposed to be saving for a more expensive, newer jeep with low mileage. now i get whatever shit i can afford. i spent my whole week saying "can't wait for friday, can't wait for friday." i packed my car, full to the brim with heavy logs and friends, and began the quest to stokes state forest. after crossing the bridge, maybe driving for five minutes since i left my house, someone slammed on their brakes at a yellow light. the woman behind him slammed on her brakes. then i slammed on my brakes. with what felt like a huge distance between us, i slid and slid and slid for what of course felt like forever, and BANG. i may have totaled her car. the poor woman that i hit, i felt so bad. she said, "i'm just so scared because i have had my license for 26 years and have never had one accident." and now, i become the story she will tell for years to come. the crazy teenager with the wacky friends rear-ended her and ruined her car, and possibly her neck. and i'm so unbelievably grateful that dan and caitlin are okay. i was also truly blessed that my mother is so level headed. she just hugged me and reassured me that everything would be okay. and in a sense, it is. but i still feel like my life is in little bits and pieces. i still wish i could just disappear. i'm still feeling all my negative feelings. i feel like i'm drowning. i'm stuck here, asking for help, asking for help, and i'm still being sucked under. i had a dream that all of my teeth fell out. it was the scariest dream i have ever had in my whole life. i spent the entire next day reassuring myself that they really were still there and whole. i looked it up for my older sister before and it means one of three things: i am extremely self-conscious, i am feeling helpless, or i am feeling like i will make a fool of myself somewhere. i think i'm feeling all of these things, all the time. i feel powerless over my own life and happiness. it's so hard to try and be happy when you are just sinking and clawing and you feel like there is absolutely nothing you can do. i give up. comment

[14 Sep 2009|10:31am] whether to let my hair grow or dye it again is the most difficult decision i am faced with right now, so what does that tell you? my life is simple. i wake up and depending on the day, i either go to work or go to school. if it is a school morning, i drag myself to my statistics class where i vigorously take notes, while the kid who sits next to me used his brain and printed them out on the computer. then i have an hour to either go home or do homework, but sitting around outside with no shoes on reading my english book isn't so bad. when i get to my english class, i sit there confused while my teacher tries to talk, but can never figure out what shes trying to say. she restarts her sentences three or four times before getting a thought right. but i did make a friend, so i feel a little better to have someone as confused as i am laughing with me. after my english class, i come home to either spend an hour or so with dan or i head off to work. and when i am finished, i either go to a class again from 7:45pm to 10:15 or i go home exhausted and choose not to go out and see my friends. on a non-school morning, i go to work. maybe at 11, maybe at 8, maybe only at three. but every day, i go to work until 7 or so and i hate that. and then, as an added bonus... mondays and tuesdays i have a class from 7:45 to 10:15. so i get to run home, change my either smelly(georgetti's) or dirty(farm) clothes and drive all the way out to mount laurel... yet again. my life is simple, yes - but simple is not what i want. i feel like i am destined to become some semi-happy suburban housewife, who cooks and cleans and works and takes care of the kids. i won't let my life become that. i want to move away and have a career and an unusual life. i want to spend a majority of my time in the woods or working as a photographer. i want to move to england or the west coast, just out of new jersey because i feel doomed here. i need to go outside of my boundary. and all i can do is dream, save money, and try to make that goal realistic. here's to hoping i'll make this all happen. comment

[08 Sep 2009|02:25am] i really truly missed those 1am blab sessions about entire lives via aol instant messenger. my life has been lacking something lately, but i just wrote a paper and have been i.m.ing for two hours and i feel great at this particular moment. when the energy drink wears off and i have to wake up for a statistics class that starts at 8am tomorrow, i might feel differently. my day with dan was very good today, he was very loving and i was patient and we got along. i'm truly truly proud of our actions in the past few weeks. were bettering eachother, which is working out really nicely. keeping me grounded and reminding me to be thankful. comment

[29 Aug 2009|06:32pm] so so down about not going away to school. i'm comparing my life to every other kid in my grade who has left for an "actual" college. facebook statuses left and right read, "ahhhh movie with my roomate!!" or "moveeedd into my placee, this is gonna be greattt" or "first day of classes - so excited!!" and all i can think is fuck my life, fuck my life. i'm not trying to be a downer but i'm just so goddamned distraught i can't help it. i seriously can't fucking help it. honestly, it sucks dick to be home and working all the time and not enjoying my life at this point in time. i'm eighteen and this just isn't how it should be. starting september 2nd it will be work, school, work, sleep, school, work, work, work, homework and i'm fucking dreading it. i wish i could win the lottery. fuck money. having to "earn a living" ruins everything. they want you to pay a shitload of money to go to college so you can get a job that pays a shitload of money, so you can pay back the shitload of money you owe the college. i'm so annoyed by the way i'm living. i hope i get over this soon. comment

[11 Aug 2009|02:43am] the other day, i was thinking how crappy 2009 has been so far. but i can honestly say, today was one of the top five days i have had this year. before i go to bed, i just had to put it out there how terribly happy i am at this moment. comment

[09 Aug 2009|09:24pm] [ music | metric - "help i'm alive" ] i find myself feeling a whole mix of unusual feelings lately. i feel a little empty and a little sad. i'm only days away from watching my closest friend pack her bags and go off to plunge headfirst into the college experience - while i quietly stay in my town, wishing i was anywhere else in the world. i'm going to miss her so much, she helps me stay outside of my comfort zone just far enough to become myself, if that makes any sense. i'm extremely anxious to start community college. i keep replaying scenarios in my head where i walk into class and everyone is better than me at what i do. it makes me really nervous to think about, but i'm trying hard to overcome all my useless feelings. i want carelessness, solidarity, and complete happiness. on a positive note - i'm overly excited for cold weather, it's so close! [1] comment

[28 Jul 2009|11:01am] "it aint possible to live unless you crossin' somebodys line." comment

[27 Jul 2009|11:59pm] following your heart is a lot more fun than following your head. comment

[25 Jul 2009|05:28pm] feeling really miserable at this particular moment. today was one of those terrible days. i felt really angry all day, but now i just feel sad and worn out because hating everything, all day really takes it out of you. i was mostly disappointed that my cousins left to go home to england just a few minutes ago, but they stopped to say goodbye. as i hugged each one, i thought of how much i love them and how i wish they would just move home. but it seems like my dream of going to college over there is becoming a reality. with the support of my parents and the offers of a place to live from my aunt and uncle, i could fly across the pond and spend a few years broadening my horizons. i think it would really do me some good, but i guess well see how this semester at bcc goes. i dont imagine credits could transfer across seas. comment

[22 Jul 2009|01:42am] lonely today. and having some pretty stressful dreams. im trying really hard, but its not easy. comment

[20 Jul 2009|01:26am] today was the first real day, and i didnt realize it until 8pm. i smiled all day, i was energized, and i really enjoyed it. comment

[13 Jul 2009|03:07pm] "im tired of being blamed for your unhappiness" you said. and im tired of being unhappy. its time for change and a new, more relaxed attitude. i cant keep missing last summer, i just have to make it happen again. comment

[04 Jul 2009|11:05am] today is one of those days where id really rather be someone else. through the course of the week i have realized that i am really not as alive as i ever thought i was. im dreary, grumpy, and for the most part downright miserable. i have lost my light, the thing that makes me... well... me. and honestly, i couldnt be more disappointed in myself for the way i act. i wonder what makes me feel the way i do? is it the prescriptions? is it the way i eat? or am i really just that unhappy with my life? its hard to hold all of this stress and anxiety. i need to relax. im always crossing my goddamned fingers. comment

[02 Jun 2009|10:13pm] i'm feeling a little down tonight, not that it's unusual. lately i have been checking out these kings and queens of myspace who call themselves photographers. i used to think how corny everyone was for that, but lately the work i have seen is good. i can't help but think i'm wrong for going into this as a career. i have the passion, but do i really have the drive? i'm scared is what i'm saying. i'm scared for how the rest of my life will turn out. comment

[26 May 2009|08:55pm] [ music | jason mraz - "i'm yours" acoustic ] my situation at home i would rather not discuss, i have mixed feelings about school, my sister is getting married on friday, prom weekend did not live up to my expectations and i am broke. i have ten days of school left before i graduate and take off for good. i have ten full class days left of high school and that is it. it's bittersweet, of course. i have waited for this for four years and i am starting to miss it already. i will be happy on senior day and at senior night, when i share my final memories with the cinnaminson high school class of 2009 - "the last class to make you say OH!" i will be happy, sitting on the football field watching my fellow classmates receive their diplomas. it is after, however, that i will not be so happy. it is when bcc starts up, my friends go back to school, and i am here for another year in cinnaminson. but i will try to make the best of it because these are the cards i was dealt - this is the home i was born into and the financial situation i am set to deal with. i don't blame anyone, i am just sad to see my high hopes postponed (not diminished). my sister will be married this friday, the 29th of may to the most wonderful boy anyone could have wished for her. their marriage will be a happy one, which makes me happy for her. i am glad to see someone who cares for her finally won her heart - someone we all love and trust. i am nervous to be a bridesmaid and to give a speech, but nervousness is nothing. it will be a beautiful ceremony, followed by a beautiful reception, followed by an even more beautiful marriage. cadence and ray, i love you and i wish you the best of luck with everything. i couldn't be more happy to see you two finally tie the knot. prom was the most fun i have had in a while. i danced, i laughed, i loved - and that's all i could ask for. it's the aftermath that wasn't so fun. prom = shore weekend... that's the rule. ocean city, here we come. everyone was a bummer. friday night was fun and that's where it ended. i spent the rest of my weekend either pissed off or sleeping. a pitiful excuse for a vacation, i chalk it up to a five, at best. thanks to everyone who made it so shitty. and of course, funding this drained me of everything. now it's time to save save save and get a car, so i can travel a little this summer. i need a newer car and my limits are extended. there's so much i want to see and do. after all of the hoping i have done for the past six months for things to get better, i am still hoping... comment

[13 May 2009|05:38pm] danny is a faggy. he doesn't like reading my journal entries because he thinks i'm a sad lady. the truth is, i am a sad lady. but i am sad and in love, the love part is keeping me afloat. my life is okay. all of the things i had been hoping for in march and april didn't make me feel any better, but i'm solid. like i said, i am in love. what else can i ask for? comment

[24 Feb 2009|03:36pm] [ music | coldplay - "lost" ] i am a senior in high school. i am seventeen and i don't know what i want to do with my life. i spend my days bouncing between my lackadaisical social life, my part-time job at an italian take-out joint, and my joke of a school day that ends at 12:13. i color my hair more often than anyone i know and i can't do my makeup without looking goth. i wear black sweaters seventy percent of the time. i'm considering filling my closet with souly black sweaters and jeans, so i could be like a cartoon character and wear the same thing every day. my boyfriend and i will do this together, we will be a poorly drawn cartoon couple. that almost sounds nice. i don't have much to worry about, really. i am well taken care of by my parents and i have two supportive, loving sisters. the only concern i have is my happiness and how to hold onto it. the woman from a beauty school just called me and she asked me a bunch of questions and i just thought, how can i ever have a real job? i should teach. i think i would like that, but i probably won't ever do it. i don't want to go to beauty school, do i? i'll visit on thursday night and see, i suppose. i don't know, i want to be something new every other day. but i always want to be a photographer so that is what i should do. i'm babbling, but i had a purpose. i just wanted to vent about how annoyingly off things are right now. you know when things fall slightly askew and you just wait and wait for them to slip back into place? i'm there. i wanted to say i can't wait for college, even if it is community college. i can't wait for something different. it will be nice to return to the farm stand, the beautiful weather, and all of the beautiful things coming up. i always love this time of year. last year, it saved me. and this year... i have a feeling things will be the same. i miss my health, my job, and the weather. so hopefully march and april will hold all of those. here's to things looking up. comment

[16 Feb 2009|05:35pm] a fluff sandwich and some kisses salvaged what daniel and i had left of valentine's day. it wasn't what i planned, but then again most of my life hasn't gone the way i planned, right? today i went from store to store in search of a prom dress. girls fought over the foof and tulle and screamed at their mothers. they complained of itchiness, durability, and sluttiness and asked for double zero sized gowns. i tried on a maximum of seven dresses and quietly hated them all. i prayed for the ability to restrict myself from bursting out of the room and choking the worthless life out of that double-zero-sized-mother-abusing-selfish-bitch across from me with all the force in my size sixteen miserable excuse for a body. she survived, and so did i... after six hours, two ezpass uses, a bridal store, two boutiques and three department stores... i found my dress and i am satisfied. comment

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